I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
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She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
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He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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