the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
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Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
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My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize