wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
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I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
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I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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