I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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