some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
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She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
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It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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