I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I fill condoms, not promises.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize