Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
