I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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