I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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