Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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