im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
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The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize