Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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