So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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