I didn't shave. On purpose
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
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I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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