My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
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I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
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When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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