Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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