and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
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I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
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ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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