Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
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I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
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I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize