Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize