It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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