good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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