You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
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I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
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Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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