You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
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Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
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I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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