I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize