so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
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After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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