last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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