he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize