her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
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then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
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I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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