If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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