Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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