areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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