This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
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I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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