Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize