i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
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I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
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I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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