Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize