its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
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Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
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It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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