I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
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Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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