My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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