Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize