The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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