Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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