I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
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She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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