my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
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It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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