my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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