right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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