She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
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Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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