who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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