You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
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You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
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I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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