It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
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He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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