My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
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